A RELUCTANT DAD

I chose to write this anonymously not because I don’t want to reveal my identity. I give a damn whether people judge me or not. But I want protect my wife from the questions she will be flooded with if I reveal myself on social media. Information that I am about to share may snowball into massive family drama. And I don’t want that for my wife especially at this crucial time of our lives.

From the time I was old enough to understand what marriage meant, I was clear kids were not my cup of tea. I used to get irritated around them, gave them a stare when their parents weren’t around and they knew from the look on my face that it was better to stay far away this khadoos uncle. It suited me just fine.

Then I met this girl (now my wife, just to be clear). Against the wishes of our parents we got married (that could easily be another article) and life was perfect. We got on just fine – much to the dislike of our families.

The first year milestone soon arrived and as I was deciding what to gift my wife, she shocked me with an announcement.  We were pregnant and we were unprepared. She always wanted kids but knew I did not. We had agreed to deal with the “kids or no kids” question at least four years into our marriage – But life had other plans for us.

Of course it led to long discussions, tears and arguments. With me finally saying, “Fine, let’s keep it”. She was hurt by my detachment but she knew how I felt from the start – so I was not going to pretend I suddenly cared.

As weeks passed, I saw her dealing with severe nausea, she was exhausted and slept a lot. I even asked her once, “Is this what you want?” which only led to more tears, fights and long silences. I was being a jerk I knew. She was having it rough and knowing how I felt about it all did not make her feel any better.

The day of the first scan arrived. We went together and I could see her feeling extremely nervous – for the baby and more so for me. I knew she was worried I would freak out even more at the end of it all. I was nervous too and kept thinking… Was I ready to be a father? Is anyone really ready for that role at all? Will I ever connect with my kid? I was jolted out of my day dream by a loud heartbeat, it was fast, it echoed in the room and filled my ears. It took a moment for me to comprehend what was going on…I could feel my heart beat fast too. And then it hit me – what I immediately felt was a deep sense of guilt and shame. This was a tiny, helpless little life, curled up with the confidence that those who created it will protect it. And here I was, wanting nothing to do with it.

That was a turning point, a moment that I will never forget – I was at a complete loss for words as the doctor continued to manoeuvre the probe on my wife’s stomach – showing us the baby’s feeble but determined movements. I then looked up at my wife and our eyes met – no words were exchanged. I could see tears and a hint of relief – she knew. She knew from the look on my face that the moment had converted me from a reluctant dad to a reformed one.

The author chose not to reveal his identity to avoid causing discomfort to his near and dear ones. 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Wonder Women World

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